


i'd love to tell you, my mind won't let me but i'd love to

by edenn



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Psychological Trauma, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, jeno exposing haechan's unhealthy coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 06:57:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20962373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/edenn/pseuds/edenn
Summary: it's been 3 months since Haechan left his abusive boyfriend, and 2 since college started. yet he still can't open up to his bestfriend Lee Jeno, who's fed up to see him hurting and not getting any help.





	i'd love to tell you, my mind won't let me but i'd love to

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is my first fic ever. i wrote this at 2am so i'm sorry for the grammatical errors. it's really just me exposing myself through Jeno and Haechan.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I do not pretend to know any of the characters' real relationships! This is a FANFICTION.

Jeno and Haechan had been telling each other about their day over a plate of pasta when Haechan's phone rang. His face frowned when he saw who was calling and excused himself to his room with an apologetic smile. The call lasted only a few minutes, and when he came back, he seemed down. Yet, he played it off as the day being exhausting when Jeno asked if everything was ok.

"Who was it? Nothing bad i hope ?", Jeno tried his best to get a peek into his bestfriend's emotions but the boy wasn't really up for that.

"Oh, no one. Just my ex. It was just a drunk call. No biggies."

"Did he say anything ? Like, 'i still love yuou pwease cowme back i'm soewy' kind of stuff ?"

"Yeah.. He did, but i don't really want to talk about it."

Jeno sighed, he was having enough of it. Of everything.

"You never want to talk about it.." it sounded like an reproach. "..ever."

"Well, i think it's called personal boundaries. Ever heard of it ?" today wasn't a good day for criticism on how he was managing his problems.

“And have you heard of bottling up emotions ? This is exactly what you do, and it’s NOT a healthy coping mechanism Haechan, not at all !”

“Please Jeno, not now.” he rubbed his eyes, visibly not enthusiast all to have this discussion.

“No, no ‘not now’ bullshit! I’ve had enough Haechan ! You always say you don’t want to talk about it! You never tell me anything about your struggles !”

“That’s not true !” Haechan protested. “I told you about my last anxiety attack and i’ve never hidden the fact i wasn’t still fucked up by what he did to me ! I also spoke up when you said something triggering at Jaemin's party last week !”

Jeno bit his lips, he wasn’t wrong on this point. But still. he couldn’t let this go on any longer.

“Ok, and ? You’re not healing yourself! I’m right here, i told you countless times you could come to me and talk about what’s on your mind ! And you never do ! Instead you just brush it off and tell me ‘it’s okay’ and you don’t want to talk about it ! How am i supposed to help you ?!”

Haechan sat on one of the chair and slowly rubbed his face. He was getting overwhelmed and could feel himself on the verge of tears. he mumbled a ‘stop’ but either Jeno didn’t heard or he didn’t care.

“I bet you know it already, so why are you trying to keep up your facade ? This is only a stupid coping mechanism that’s destroying you ! You’re just too scared to admit you need help from a professional because you won’t fear they might judge you and love you less ! Well guess what, you fucking need to see a doctor ! Because i won’t deal with your bullshit any longer ! I love you Haechan, but i don’t want you to get hurt, even by yourself. So if i need to break this trust you put in me in order for you to get help, then i’ll fucking do it !”

Still not looking at his bestfriend, Haechan wiped his tears as he spoke with a shaky voice.

“I know Jeno ! I fucking know i should see a therapist ! But i can’t ! Because he fucked me up so bad i can’t even pinpoint how bad my mental health is! I know.. and i want to, i really do-” he shot him a ‘let me continue’ look before Jeno could say a word- 

“But really, i can’t. I tried in the past, before i met you, and i kept avoiding the actual issue. Talked about my parent’s divorce instead. And i’m not talking about it because if i do, it feels like i’m speaking it into existence. If i talk about it, then it gets real. And i’ve been hurt enough. I just want all the pain to disappear, to sink and if i have to keep everything to me to do so, then i’ll do it ! Because no matter how empathetic you are, Jeno, you’ll never know exactly what i feel. I know you’re trying your best with your brother’s sickness and all. But i, too, am hurting every fucking day.”

“I get annoyed by the most trivial things and it fucks up with my brain, i get worked up over nothing and i’ve lost my will to live when i started dating him! Everyone is talking about what they’ll do after they graduate, or next year, and i’m not even sure i’ll make it to the end of the month ! We’re not hurting the same and you can’t expect me to deal with it the same way you do.”

By the end of his monologue, tears were rolling down his cheeks; but he didn’t seem to care, nor even notice them. He got up and headed back to his room, leaving Jeno alone in the kitchen that suddenly felt unfamiliar.

Later that week, Haechan had a pretty terrifying nightmare. The kind that makes you wake up in cold sweat and scared to fall asleep again. So he pretended going to the bathroom to check if Jeno was still up by the light under his door and knocked softly at his door once he noticed it. He briefly explained he was scared to go back to sleep alone and asked if he could stay and cuddle a little, because Jeno’s smell was comforting and always made him feel safe. Of course, because Jeno was too kind-hearted to refuse because of their stupid fight, he agreed. As Haechan snuggled onto him and Jeno started rubbing his arms and back, he told him about the nightmare.

Jeno noticed small bumps on his friend’s bare arms but didn’t dare ask about it, fearing making Haechan think he was upset about it.

“I do it sometimes, when i’m in a bad episode.” he said softly, as if he had read Jeno’s thoughts. “it’s the only way i’ve found to stay sane in those moments it’s just my way to find back what is real.”

Unsure of what to do, because it was still a bad thing to do to himself but it actually helped him, Jeno simply ruffled Haechan’s hair, reminding him to be careful.

"I know." The boy simply answered, snuggling closer.

They stayed like that a few more minutes, in the dark and the silence, before Haechan whispered, thinking Jeno wouldn't hear him.

"Thank you, Jeno. For being here all the time despite me pushing you away constantly. I really appreciate it. It means a lot. I love you, Lee Jeno."


End file.
